Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm Your Villian

I said I was done. And I am. But some things just can't be held in. This is long. And ugly. And, most likely, rehashing a bunch of shit you might already be tired of seeing. Yes, I'm talking about the Tribe bullshittery. It has to go somewhere, and here is all I have at the moment.
*I* need this public statement. I need one last chance to say MY piece. I need closure.

Comments aren't necessary.


Allow me to facilitate.

From everything I have seen and heard it is apparent that you want to be the victim. That you are not going to acknowledge anything in public, so that you can continue to lie to those you call your friends. That no matter what is quoted of you, you will continue to twist it so that everyone is being mean to YOU.

I'm your Huckleberry.

It is apparent now that you view us all, those you called your friends, as mere tools to help build and support YOUR dream. You never shared ownership of it. You even went so far as to pretend to accept anothers vision to gain wider support and acceptance. You USED us, people who genuinely loved you, as marketing tools. And cast us aside as soon as our respective phases were complete - moving to the next victim.

You aren't loving anyone - you are a spider building your web. You bled us dry, and then broke us down into silken threads to spin into a web. You used us to build a bigger trap. To gain more victims.

Oh, wait. I forgot again. YOU'RE the victim here. My bad.

So if *you* are the victim, then obviously WE are the spiders.

I've never been considered the nice one - in any of my groups of friends. I am the honest one, unashamed of my venom.

And I won't change that now. So, you want to be a victim and say that everyone is being mean to you? Here you go.

We were friends long before you. We managed more than a year of meetings and greetings and holidays and trips without you. You can say you were there from the beginning all you want, but you weren't. We welcomed you into OUR group. None of us knew you. Nobody, to this day, is exactly sure of where you came from or how you came to think that you were the Grand Master Shit.

And, before you arrived, we managed all those meetings and greetings and holidays and trips with no drama and no stress. They were full of love and laughter - despite our differences.
One of those trips was to a wedding. It was a beautiful weekend of love and laughter and smooshes. There were discussions of the friendships there lasting a lifetime. We ALL believed in that.

And then there was you. And you slowly ingratiated yourself with us. Insinuating yourself amongst us. Pretending to love and be One with us... All the while working toward YOUR Own Dream, without any regard or care for what anyone else thought - or the fact that more than half the rest thought it was a SHARED dream...

And now here we are, less than a year later.

What I think?

I think it's your fault that one of us is no longer welcome with the family we watched BECOME a family. That someone who was there from almost the beginning - before there was even a hope of that family - isn't welcome. I one hundred percent blame you for that, regardless of what anyone else might say to try to shift the blame from you. All the excuses I have heard about it being the other person's fault have not held up to examination. That person did not say the things I was told she said. But when I brought that fact up publically, suddenly everyone wanted to talk in private.


I think the jealousy ate you up inside. You couldn't stand that this one person seemed to matter more to everyone than you did - when you considered yourself the Leader. Hitler was following a dream too. And the people who disagreed with his dream were ostricized and banished (if not outright killed) as well. Is there no room for criticism in your Tribe? You say there was venom and hate in the response to YOUR Dream... and yet you still asked this person to be on the board for it. And they accepted - even though they thought it was stupid and whatever else you are saying they said?

Bullshit again.

I think noone asked you to be their voice. So saying that you commented on behalf of the Tribe is, again, bullshit. You wanted free advertising. You wanted to be able to say that you 'reached out in friendship.' You wanted to show her publically slapping your hand away, without anyone knowing the backstory of how many times that 'hand' you 'reached out' had slapped her privately. You wanted to further portray her as the bad guy.

Bullshit again.

I think when she expressed doubt, you needed to convince your resources that you were right, so you planted seeds of distrust and anger and watered them diligently.

All that matters to you is YOUR Dream. You quit talking to me months ago, when I expressed mere HESITANCY about the Tribe's direction, and cautioned for more time and planning and coordination. Months later, when a second voice arose, you were more brutal in your silencing...all the while maintaining your public image. Because you "have no need to live your friendships on a public stage."

Fuck it. We all know what I'm talking about.

Carol never once insisted that it be kept in front of everyone. SHE didn't choose "to keep in front of our friends."

*I* did.

Because, from the beginning, *I* have seen that what is said when you are aware the public is watching/listening/reading is very different than what you are saying privately - to individual people in individual emails and phone calls. And that it's different than what your ACTIONS are saying.

And had I known what she knew - you can bet your ass that I would have been infinitely more publically vocal about my doubts. Her doubts were, and are, my doubts. They are doubts shared by others who were here before you, and will survive after you. Each time I sent a public email asking the hard questions, others echoed my sentiment. Each of the three times I received thank yous from others who weren't sure of your intentions or direction. And each time you have had the exact same reaction - to brush them aside.

You seem unable to respond other than to continually parrot that this is YOUR dream. In the last go-round of emails, you didn't even pretend and just copy/pasted. If I didn't accept "It's MY dream" as an explanation the first three times, why would the third be any different?

You sent me a message saying you never meant to hurt my feelings... and yet you continued right on building YOUR dream, despite the unrest and hurt it was causing.

Bullshit again.

You took my words off the website, but even after I pointed out that my words - which are on EVERY OTHER Tribe site, state that CAROL is the center... they remain there. There is no Tribe, for me, without Carol. IT IS does not exist without her. She is integral to it - but you would rather cut her out, belittle and malign her, than truly reach out, examine your own faults in this situation and work toward a solution. Because you were rash, and made a decision ON YOUR OWN - to invest in YOUR dream. And now you are financially obligated. I don't care anymore. You can have the words. They just prove what a hypocrit you are. You want to accuse people of "twisting" the truth, and your words and actions - but what have you done to MY words? To MY Dream? The words you publically and repeatedly claimed as the Tribe's - and thus OBVIOUSLY your own. (Since this is all about YOUR Dream.)

Bullshit again.

You want a villian, but you chose the wrong woman. You weren't smart about it. Noone is ever going to believe Carol is the bad guy. She is "Seek Sunshine." She is sunshine on a cloudy day. She is laughter and yellow and bright, fresh, clean air. There are a couple others who would have been smarter choices - myself being one of them.

So, again, allow me to facilitate your charade.

I'm familiar with being the bitch. The Queen of the Harpies. The scapegoat.

*I* keep making it public. *I* was the first to ask the hard questions. *I* introduced the first niggling doubts to people's minds. *I* am the one who keeps pushing for the Truth in the situation.

Pick on me. I'm your villian.


  1. I have chills. Comments from everyone else may not be necessary, but they are for ME.

    A-fucking-MEN. You said it. All of it. And, I love that you and I are so the same. I dont give a fuck whether or not I am the bad guy. And neither do you.

    I AM YOUR TRIBE VILLAN. ME. I stand up next to you and hold my villan sign up. High as a motherfucker.

    Chant with me: "I AM YOUR VILLAN! I AM YOUR VILLAN!"

    Now... who is gonna forward the link over to her?!


  2. I don't particularly care. It wasn't written FOR her. It needed saying, so I said it. Moving right along... Done, done and now... DONE.

  3. I love you... but I cannot say here what I need to say... this hurts. a lot. in ways I know you never intended.

  4. I meant it... more rhetorically than anything.

  5. given he unlove and unwelcome i'vd felt from chosen family and blood family...all i can say is that i feel your love in your words. your love of the light, the truth, of me. of what was...long before what now is.

    i love you. i always have, always will.