BAH.

NINE MONTHS. It has been nine months since the fallout. Since the drama and the hurt and the bullshittery.

It's no secret my wedding is coming, and that a large number of people (involved and not in last year's drama) will be congregating here in Austin for it.

And suddenly people I haven't spoken to since are commenting on my photos. They're leaving random comments on other people's pages. And then I saw a status message about not being a part of any drama until family was all under one roof again. And then I see one friend encouraging another to 'be a spark...'

And then I woke up this morning to find that all hell has broken loose again.

I didn't invite anyone that would cause this intentionally. I blame no one on my guest list for the current shitstorm.

But the timing of everything has me curious.

What drama were people not going to deal with? I'm not quite egotistical enough to assume, completely, that it is this exact drama currently populating my inbox. But - I wonder.

I wonder at the wording used to encourage someone to share their joy. "Be a spark." The chains of comments overflowing with joy about the upcoming gathering (Also known as MY WEDDING) seem to be pretty indicative that there is plenty of joy already - no spark needed there...

But then the links to Tribe answered that question for me. Three posts about Tribe in rapid succession from someone I love. Someone with a plane ticket and plan to be here for my wedding. Someone trying to share her joy. Someone who'd been planted with the idea to 'be a spark.' Someone who had no idea that she'd be sparking something quite the opposite of joy.

I have SO MUCH hurt for her. I am filled with sorrow for inviting her and unknowingly placing her in the middle of this fire. I am sorry that all the joy that caused her to post in the first place has been taken away and replaced with this shit.

Tribe knew damn well that we were all making a point to keep with her every day. That my wedding is |thisclose|. That we will all be together in Austin for said wedding. That we would see the posts Tribe can no longer send us since we all deleted and blocked them. And they knew it would end this way. That we'd be hurt - and be vocal about it because that's who we are. Because we have nothing to hide, and so live our lives publically. I am not curious about any of that - I believe, heart and soul, that it is truth.

I am curious about Tribe's intentions. I doubt very seriously that the pain we are currently dealing with was the sole reason. Are they so jealous of their friend that they want to drive a wedge between her and us? Were they honestly trying, hoping, we would 'see the light' and come back? Were they afraid we'd say something to sever her affiliation with Tribe? and if so... Were they really not aware of how little any of us think about Tribe anymore?

I'm relatively sure *I* am the only one who has given Tribe any serious thought in the last nine months. Because I had to. Because I was nervous about this EXACT scenario. There were other people who I didn't invite because of this exact situation, because it would have been an issue. So I have kept up with who is friends with who and not and tried to sort it as best I could.

And failed apparently.

Because Tribe refuses to let go. To let US go. and to leave us alone.

But - it happened now. Not in nineteen days. So I will still have my love fest wedding of awesomeness. And everyone that has been invited, is STILL invited. And I trust that all my guests - once here and away from Tribe influence and venom - will love us and love each other and it will still be a beautiful thing. A powerful thing. Even moreso for having survived this.

So - I still win.

Tribevillian 2, Tribe 0.

Professional Villian for Hire

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss.

Today I did a lot of thinking, and made a lot of realizations.

I operate on FACT. On the obvious. I don't care about the subterfuge, the bullshit, or the between-the-lines. Not in my professional life.

Business is business. Work is work. I don't care if you like me. I don't care if you think I should like you.

Bottom line?

You either do your work, and do it well. Or you don't.

And if you don't...and if by NOT you make my life harder - I WILL call you on it. I don't have time for bullshit. I don't have the patience for placation. I don't understand HOW to sugarcoat the TRUTH.

I've been working - literally collecting a paycheck - since I was eleven. Yes. Eleven. (No, it's not illegal. It is a whole OTHER blog tho.) I do not understand going to work to surf the internet for eight hours. I don't understand apathy about what you spend forty hours a week doing. I've tried to not care, and I cannot do it.

I am in a unique position for my employment. I act as a sort of liaison between my company and others. Others who are, in actuality, our competitors - though some don't necessarily know it. I have the unique responsibility of balancing getting what we want from them without giving away too much about our own processes and industry knowledge. I also have to find ways to make those that DO know we are competitors still want to do business with us - for free.

I piss a lot of people off to maintain those relationships. I'm not sorry for it. I've spent four years cultivating them. Some of them STILL don't trust me and make me jump through hoops. I shouldn't have to do the same for MY OWN company.

And yet... I do.

Because for so long I was assigned to the people who reported to our clients...who didn't want to have to tell those clients "no." I have had to fight for every single inch, every policy, every procedure, every day. I'm still fighting. STILL trying to balance the needs of my company with the reality of what our competitors will provide us with. STILL trying to explain why my company can't always get what they want.

And still being labled Queen of the GodDamn Harpies.

Fuck them.

They had a meeting with my boss specifically to talk about how I am unapproachable and "MEAN."

MEAN.

Me.

When I have done nothing but try for four years to help. To explain. To foster an environment of communication and coordination... COOPERATION.

But...

because they aren't getting what they want...

because I am keeping track and proving that they aren't managing their resources...

because *I* do their job better than they do...

because *I* hold them accountable...

they waited until my best friend -their teammate- went on vacation to schedule and hold a meeting with my boss's boss.

When she wasn't there to defend me.

Without allowing me the opportunity to defend myself.

Without examples to backup their claims - in the name of HR "Anonymity."

Fuck them.

Fuck this company that would rather keep people who surf the web rather than call a client. Who don't want to know about those employees that aren't doing their job. Who don't want to deal with the paperwork and headache of dealing with the lazy...

I'm done.

Anyone know of a company looking for HONEST, HARD WORKING self-starters? I can document. I can delegate. I can communicate -as long as there is no bullshitting expected of me. I will not lie to a client in the name of a margin. I would rather fix the problem than apply band-aid after band-aid after band-aid. I am highly organized and overly-responsible. I will always put the company's interest first, and am open to correction and criticism. I am also young, childfree and healthy. I am a nonsmoker who would rather skip lunch nine days out of ten. I will let anyone who will listen know when I run out of work to do, and expect to be allowed to go home is no other work can be found for me. I will also stay to finish whatever is necessary, when it is necessary. I am dedicated and just want a company with integrity to give my loyalty to. I have a passion for processes. So if yours aren't working, let me know. I'd be happy to come tell you all about what is wrong with them... I won't even mind when you call me bad names for it - as long as I'm prepared for it ahead of time and paid appropriately for the abuse.

The same qualities that made me the TribeVillain make me perfect for you. I do not tolerate bullshit. I *WILL* call you on it. And I will not care if I am reviled by those whose flaws I showcase. Growth is painful - and apparently I'm a fucking sadist.

Hi, my name is Squish. And I'm your villain....for hire.

I'm Your Villian

I said I was done. And I am. But some things just can't be held in. This is long. And ugly. And, most likely, rehashing a bunch of shit you might already be tired of seeing. Yes, I'm talking about the Tribe bullshittery. It has to go somewhere, and here is all I have at the moment.
*I* need this public statement. I need one last chance to say MY piece. I need closure.

Comments aren't necessary.

*********************************************

Allow me to facilitate.

From everything I have seen and heard it is apparent that you want to be the victim. That you are not going to acknowledge anything in public, so that you can continue to lie to those you call your friends. That no matter what is quoted of you, you will continue to twist it so that everyone is being mean to YOU.

I'm your Huckleberry.

It is apparent now that you view us all, those you called your friends, as mere tools to help build and support YOUR dream. You never shared ownership of it. You even went so far as to pretend to accept anothers vision to gain wider support and acceptance. You USED us, people who genuinely loved you, as marketing tools. And cast us aside as soon as our respective phases were complete - moving to the next victim.

You aren't loving anyone - you are a spider building your web. You bled us dry, and then broke us down into silken threads to spin into a web. You used us to build a bigger trap. To gain more victims.

Oh, wait. I forgot again. YOU'RE the victim here. My bad.

So if *you* are the victim, then obviously WE are the spiders.

I've never been considered the nice one - in any of my groups of friends. I am the honest one, unashamed of my venom.

And I won't change that now. So, you want to be a victim and say that everyone is being mean to you? Here you go.

We were friends long before you. We managed more than a year of meetings and greetings and holidays and trips without you. You can say you were there from the beginning all you want, but you weren't. We welcomed you into OUR group. None of us knew you. Nobody, to this day, is exactly sure of where you came from or how you came to think that you were the Grand Master Shit.

And, before you arrived, we managed all those meetings and greetings and holidays and trips with no drama and no stress. They were full of love and laughter - despite our differences.
One of those trips was to a wedding. It was a beautiful weekend of love and laughter and smooshes. There were discussions of the friendships there lasting a lifetime. We ALL believed in that.

And then there was you. And you slowly ingratiated yourself with us. Insinuating yourself amongst us. Pretending to love and be One with us... All the while working toward YOUR Own Dream, without any regard or care for what anyone else thought - or the fact that more than half the rest thought it was a SHARED dream...

And now here we are, less than a year later.

What I think?

I think it's your fault that one of us is no longer welcome with the family we watched BECOME a family. That someone who was there from almost the beginning - before there was even a hope of that family - isn't welcome. I one hundred percent blame you for that, regardless of what anyone else might say to try to shift the blame from you. All the excuses I have heard about it being the other person's fault have not held up to examination. That person did not say the things I was told she said. But when I brought that fact up publically, suddenly everyone wanted to talk in private.

Bullshit.

I think the jealousy ate you up inside. You couldn't stand that this one person seemed to matter more to everyone than you did - when you considered yourself the Leader. Hitler was following a dream too. And the people who disagreed with his dream were ostricized and banished (if not outright killed) as well. Is there no room for criticism in your Tribe? You say there was venom and hate in the response to YOUR Dream... and yet you still asked this person to be on the board for it. And they accepted - even though they thought it was stupid and whatever else you are saying they said?

Bullshit again.

I think noone asked you to be their voice. So saying that you commented on behalf of the Tribe is, again, bullshit. You wanted free advertising. You wanted to be able to say that you 'reached out in friendship.' You wanted to show her publically slapping your hand away, without anyone knowing the backstory of how many times that 'hand' you 'reached out' had slapped her privately. You wanted to further portray her as the bad guy.

Bullshit again.

I think when she expressed doubt, you needed to convince your resources that you were right, so you planted seeds of distrust and anger and watered them diligently.

All that matters to you is YOUR Dream. You quit talking to me months ago, when I expressed mere HESITANCY about the Tribe's direction, and cautioned for more time and planning and coordination. Months later, when a second voice arose, you were more brutal in your silencing...all the while maintaining your public image. Because you "have no need to live your friendships on a public stage."

Fuck it. We all know what I'm talking about.

Carol never once insisted that it be kept in front of everyone. SHE didn't choose "to keep in front of our friends."

*I* did.

Because, from the beginning, *I* have seen that what is said when you are aware the public is watching/listening/reading is very different than what you are saying privately - to individual people in individual emails and phone calls. And that it's different than what your ACTIONS are saying.

And had I known what she knew - you can bet your ass that I would have been infinitely more publically vocal about my doubts. Her doubts were, and are, my doubts. They are doubts shared by others who were here before you, and will survive after you. Each time I sent a public email asking the hard questions, others echoed my sentiment. Each of the three times I received thank yous from others who weren't sure of your intentions or direction. And each time you have had the exact same reaction - to brush them aside.

You seem unable to respond other than to continually parrot that this is YOUR dream. In the last go-round of emails, you didn't even pretend and just copy/pasted. If I didn't accept "It's MY dream" as an explanation the first three times, why would the third be any different?

You sent me a message saying you never meant to hurt my feelings... and yet you continued right on building YOUR dream, despite the unrest and hurt it was causing.

Bullshit again.

You took my words off the website, but even after I pointed out that my words - which are on EVERY OTHER Tribe site, state that CAROL is the center... they remain there. There is no Tribe, for me, without Carol. IT IS does not exist without her. She is integral to it - but you would rather cut her out, belittle and malign her, than truly reach out, examine your own faults in this situation and work toward a solution. Because you were rash, and made a decision ON YOUR OWN - to invest in YOUR dream. And now you are financially obligated. I don't care anymore. You can have the words. They just prove what a hypocrit you are. You want to accuse people of "twisting" the truth, and your words and actions - but what have you done to MY words? To MY Dream? The words you publically and repeatedly claimed as the Tribe's - and thus OBVIOUSLY your own. (Since this is all about YOUR Dream.)

Bullshit again.

You want a villian, but you chose the wrong woman. You weren't smart about it. Noone is ever going to believe Carol is the bad guy. She is "Seek Sunshine." She is sunshine on a cloudy day. She is laughter and yellow and bright, fresh, clean air. There are a couple others who would have been smarter choices - myself being one of them.

So, again, allow me to facilitate your charade.

I'm familiar with being the bitch. The Queen of the Harpies. The scapegoat.

*I* keep making it public. *I* was the first to ask the hard questions. *I* introduced the first niggling doubts to people's minds. *I* am the one who keeps pushing for the Truth in the situation.

Pick on me. I'm your villian.